Solipsism
by SolanaFae
Summary: A collection of thoughts, moments and memories. Rated "M" just in case. Cover image is (c) FadesFury
1. Chapter 1

_**DISCLAIMER**_

_I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does._

_Damn them._

_I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me._

**Fireflies & Empty Skies**

The discordant symphony of gunfire, the smell of rain-soaked earth mixed with the faint, yet unmistakable metallic tang of pure energy.

Battle cries and blood on the wind; skies darkened with slate-gray clouds.

Broken bodies, impossibly twisted; fallen enemies decorating the ground.

The taste of victory so close, just one more bullet away; one more burst of energy; a sudden flare of power that flashes electric and burns quickly like a comet entering orbit.

The sound of the storm breaking, thunder rolling and booming; echoed in heartbeats that combine in a synergy bursting with peaks of adrenaline and tinged with fear.

A movement caught in the periphery, a figure running through the sheets of rain with murderous eyes; too fast to outmaneuver.

Fires bloom into life, bright blue like ice dance into the edges of vision; a shield and a stutter of gun shots ringing out against the silence.

Another movement, a slender figure fuelled with rage and a roar that would make a tiger bow down in subservience.

A dancers grace and poise, twisting and turning in a routine choreographed from years of knowledge.

Eyes like summer fields, dark with battle-lust and wide in frenzy; glittering as the bullet hits its mark.

A laugh, triumphant and musical bubbles its way through full lips bitten in concentration and worry.

A look from over the shoulder; an arching brow and emerald eyes that shine as lips quirk into a small smile.

A touch, gentle and needed; a spark that starts a slow burning fire deep within.

A final glance over the battle field; a whispered prayer as the ground is split by lightning, feeding the fires that dance into the empty sky like fireflies lighting the way for the departing souls as rain washes it all away.

Husks on the earth, dead things that rustle in the quickening wind.


	2. Chapter 2

****DISCLAIMER**  
**_I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does. Damn them._  
_I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me._

**ORCHARD OF MINES**  
_"…and you seem…to break like time…so fragile on the inside…"_

Sometimes I look at her and wonder where her strength comes from.  
I know that she is fire and light and she burns with the intensity of suns and shines with the brightness of stars.  
It is not without surprise, though, that I know she is more than that - more than a fighter; more than a woman with biotics as powerful as old forgotten magicks and more than a Commander.

In rare moments when I meet her eyes across the desks in the conference rooms I am briefly shown something in her gaze that makes me stop and take a breath:

_Vulnerability._

For a fleeting second, she shows me that she's scared.  
Scared we won't win this battle, scared that she might not come back.  
Scared that the fate of worlds rest on her decisions; scared of the lives in her hands.  
And, whispered solely for my ears – scared of losing me.  
We both know that that **will** happen.

While I pray, meditate and atone for my past transgressions; I see the weight of the world settling heavier and heavier on her shoulders.  
And because she is strong, my fierce warrior angel, she keeps it inside.

Watching her in battle is like seeing a Goddess walk descending to the world.  
To the wicked she is anger and death; yet to the innocent she is compassionate and kind – an angel, a savior.  
She is fire and the ocean; bright and blazing, consuming anything in its way; deep and dangerous, a place full of undiscovered wonders that it would take a lifetime to find.  
I have the wish to spend the rest of my lifetime finding them, yet I wonder how long it will be before the responsibility she has shouldered will take her and leave her drowning under the dangerous waves of her life.

I love her in those moments. She burns with passion and I fear nothing when I stand with her in battle.

In our intimate moments, when she is arched under me and my hands ghost over her warm skin she seems to break; her fragility bared to me and it's beautiful, like her soul is glittering in the galaxies around us.  
She touches me and then _**I**_ am fire, she scorches my skin and we smolder. In those heated moments we are like lightning in a bottle; crashing together all friction and white heat, cresting on tidal waves that flow into broken time and send us reeling.

She is grace and beauty, she is fire and ice; she is the ocean and the galaxies that spin around us as we hurtle through them; she is my Siha and she is forever.

She sighs, sated and relaxed.  
She smiles.  
And she shines like diamonds to me then.


	3. Chapter 3

**DISCLAIMER**  
I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does. Damn them.  
I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me.  
~~~~~~

**SAY YOU'LL HAUNT ME**  
_"…I want to know I belong to you…say you'll haunt me…"_

"Staring at the stars again, Siha?"

She turns her head slightly at the sound of my voice and I notice her cheekbones lift in a smile. I move behind her, my arms slipping around her waist and she rests her head against my shoulder. The scent of her catches me as it always does and I close my eyes to take it in – another item to add to the memories of her tucked away in my mind.  
She turns in my arms to smile at me and as always it amazes me how that simple action is enough to make her eyes light up from a deep mossy green to a bright emerald; the color of spring grasses that draw me into their sparkling depths.  
I could spend an age just looking into her eyes; the color seems to shift and swirl like galaxies and in their inscrutable depths I see all the things words are unable to ever express.  
Her eyebrow quirks and I realize I've stared too long again, as I always do. I rest my forehead against hers, my nose brushes hers and she chuckles; a soft puff of air that makes me smile.  
I brush a strand of hair away from her face, tucking it gently behind one ear and let my lips touch hers; a soft, chaste kiss that makes her sigh quietly.  
For a moment she looks sad, her eyes darkening and her brow furrowing slightly and I tilt my head to one side in consternation.

"Something troubles you, Siha?"  
"I.." she falters, her eyes casting about the room, "I keep thinking about you…about us."

I move back a little bit, my mind instantly telling me that this is it; this is the speech, the one where she tells me that she loves me but cannot stay with me.  
I am mentally cursing my body for succumbing to this damned illness when her eyes lock with mine and she steps forward to cup my face in her hands.

"We've fought battles that most people couldn't dream of; we've won them. We've lost people but we've saved people too and as much as I'm proud of what we've achieved there's one person I will never be able to save. And that kills me, Thane. I don't want to lose you, not now, not after all we've been through."

My chest constricts painfully at the way her voice catches when she says my name and my heart starts a staccato rhythm, beating like a war drum.  
I sit slowly on the sofa that curves around one corner of her quarters and tug her down to sit with me. When she is sitting, her back against my chest and my arms around her I can breathe again.

"I spent so long just waiting for death to take me, Siha. I welcomed it, I wanted it and I grew frustrated and restless when it did not come.  
When we met, I joined you in the hopes that I would meet my end among the stars on our mission; but something kept me alive then as it does now.  
I had always known death was the only certainty in my life. I was not prepared for anything else, for anyone else to show me that there is more than that."

She shifts, tilting her head to look up at me and grazes her lips along my jaw line; bringing a sudden memory in flashes…

Running and shooting, targets hit and dropping like stones to the bottom of the sea.  
Guns flaring and shattering the silence.  
The ground trembles under foot, then everything tilts on its axis.  
Feet slide out from under me and I'm free falling among explosions and gunfire.  
I spiral, flailing and grasping for anything to stop the fall; death is rushing to greet me in its fiery jaws.  
A hand, warm and familiar grips my wrist; pulling me from midair back to solid ground.  
A touch to my face, silence surrounding us and warm pressure on my lips.  
A smile, something whispered and secret and it begins again – guns flaring and shattering the silence.

"Thane…" she breathes my name like a prayer and my heart pounds as my lips claim hers in a searing kiss.

Our talk momentarily forgotten, I lay back and pull her onto me; my hands sliding under her shirt and relishing in the feel of her warm, soft skin.  
We had long stopped worrying about the effects of my skin on her and this shows in the tiny fevered kisses she is pressing along my neck and chest.

Yet this is not enough, I need more, want more.  
Time is too short and I have to feel her skin against mine.

As if she knows, she pulls her shirt off in one fluid movement; her nimble fingers divesting me of mine before I know it has even happened.  
A groan rumbles through my chest as her body stretches out over mine and the feeling is something indescribable.

Hands move over skin, eliciting soft sighs and whimpers.  
Lips touch and ignite fires that burn deep within.  
Fingers trace over my chest and it is like electricity coursing through my veins.

Yet this is not enough. I still need more.

In a swift movement I stand and take her with me, legs wrapped tight around my waist and lips pressing heated kisses over my neck and catching the corner of my mouth; hands clutching my shoulders.  
Clothes are left behind and her body trembles at my touch.  
She is molten heat, desire and pure want; a drug that I need more than air.  
Simply touching her does nothing to quench the fire now blazing within me.

My mind is lost, reeling and spinning out of control as her fingers blaze a path over my back; taking a slow course over my hips and I bite out an oath as she starts a slow torment of my body.

And still this is not enough.

Her breathing is short, erratic and peppered with tiny whimpers that have me weak with longing. My own breath comes out in scratchy bursts and I ache with wanting to join with her in the most primal, intimate way.  
We are suspended in time as we join together, her arms and legs wrapped tight around me; her face buried in my shoulder, teeth nipping at my skin.  
Our movements are torturously slow, yet I know this will not last.  
We are steel and silk and we move together in a perfect synchronicity that makes me come apart.

I can feel her all around me, just as I feel her within me; her soul and mine forever intertwined as our bodies move in this ancient dance.  
Her head lifts and her lips find mine in a kiss that leaves me breathless and scorches my heart.

As we reach our inevitable end, we surge forward; frenzied and passionate, she whispers my name in a heated breath and this is my undoing.  
We unfold together and it hits us like thunder; an explosion of stars behind my eyes, supernovas imploding and blooming in my head and as we ride out the storm that is raging inside us both the world blurs and tilts into grayscale.

I smudge a kiss over her forehead and lazily reach up to pull the covers off of the bed to wrap around us as our bodies cool.  
The color seeps slowly back into my vision and I open my eyes to find her watching me.  
Her hand strokes my face gently and the tenderness in her eyes breaks my heart.

I cannot find the words to tell her how scared I am of the death that awaits me, I cannot express how angry I am at a world that allows me to find someone like her but that will rip us apart in the most cruel way.  
I cannot even find the words to tell her that I love her, because it is more than that; more than simple words. What I feel transcends that and she deserves to know that I hold her as a goddess in my mind.

She leans down and kisses me, soft and slow.

"Siha…" the word tumbles from my lips and my voice cracks with emotion.

She curls against me, her head on my chest and our fingers twine together.  
Silently we mourn for the life we will never have together; we grieve for our love that will be lost all too soon and we cry for each others' loss.

I am bound to her, irrevocably and I belong to her. No words can say that.

And as it turns out, they don't have to.


	4. Chapter 4

****DISCLAIMER****  
_I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does._  
_Damn them._  
_I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me._

**YOUR HAND IN MINE**

It is one of those rare moments where the Normandy is quiet, save for the distant hum of engines and machinery.

I turn my head slightly to look at the you lying next to me; curled against my body all soft skin, hard muscle and curves.

In a short time you have come to mean the world to me. You have opened my eyes, awakened my soul and shown my spirit what it means to live again. You have taught me to look beyond my own fragile mortality and that I can reach out and feel the things I had thought lost to me.

You have shown me kindness and compassion I never thought to see in another person. When our friendship blossomed to something more you took great care to allow it do so slowly and with all respect to me and my memories of Irikah.  
You have gone to such great trouble to ensure I am comfortable – even making sure that your quarters are habitable for me so that we may spend more time together.

This is… Not something I am used to.

In the faint blue glow your aquarium is emitting you look ethereally beautiful. To me, you are always beautiful – a true force of nature on the battlefield and even more so in your moments of fierce protectiveness towards your friends; but right now in this moment with the aquariums light highlighting your skin and making it seem as though you shimmer, you are breathtaking.

Tilting my head upwards, I watch the stars and distant nebulas and wonder (not for the first time) what I did to appease the Gods.  
It must have been something great, something truly great as they rewarded me with you, my Siha and now I have something to live for; something that will keep me fighting this damned disease until it claims my last breath.

Sometimes, when I am alone, thoughts of you consume me and I am afraid.  
I am afraid that I will not be enough for you, that you cannot love a dying man; but greater than these thoughts is the fear that I will lose you to this battle with the Reapers.  
I fear that I will lose you before you know what you mean to me and before I can tell you that these moments with you are what I look forward to each day; that they keep me going, keep me fighting.

I look down at our bodies, tangled limbs and joined hands; nestled together under the blankets and feel my heart swell.

Your hand in mine, Siha.  
That's all I need.

Chapter title is taken from "Your Hand In Mine", by Explosions In The Sky


	5. Chapter 5

****DISCLAIMER****  
_I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does._  
_Damn them._  
_I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me._  
~~~~

**CARNIVAL OF RUST**  
_"Come feed the rain, 'cause I'm thirsty for your love…dancing underneath the skies of lust…"_

I am not prone to jealousy.  
I find it a pointless emotion – destructive and irrational.  
But I am not always a rational man.  
This is one of those moments.

You are sitting on one of the tables in the mess hall, a cup of tea long forgotten next to you while you talk to our ships pilot and your Turian friend.  
Granted, you have known them for much longer than you have known me but I cannot stop the prickling heat of jealousy that curls its way like a snake from my belly to the base of my neck.  
You laugh so easily with them both. The sound is like bells, clear and bright and it makes my heart stutter.  
The Turian leans forward and murmurs something in your ear and your hand grips his arm as another peal of laughter rings out around the hall.

A hiss escapes my tightly clenched teeth.  
I've not made her laugh like that – my thoughts are treacherous beings that whisper around my mind.

I watch as you slap Joker playfully for some comment he makes and he pretends to have broken a bone before leaving you and the Turian alone together.

He is standing too close, his hands on the table either side of your hips as he leans in again. You laugh, a hand on his chest as you push him with a wide smile on your face.

I cannot watch any more.

**.::. .::. .::.**

"Thane?"  
Your voice removes me from my meditations and I turn; annoyed at the ready smile I give you.

"Shepard," I greet her, as coolly as possibly, "do you need something?"  
"No," her brow furrows, "I just thought I would come and see you."

I nod, not trusting myself to be kind while my thoughts are still pre-occupied with images of you and the Turian talking, laughing…flirting.  
You remain in the room, standing at the edge of my vision, fidgeting with the hem of your shirt.  
I have not seen you unsure before and it makes me feel suddenly ashamed.

"I…" you start a sentence and stop before turning on your heel and leaving the life support bay.  
For a moment I sit in silence and reflect on how I feel and how our short conversation just went.  
I cradle my head in my hands and sign softly.  
_I am an idiot_ – my thoughts have stopped fueling my jealousy and are now berating me inwardly for my folly.

"EDI, is Commander Shepard in her quarters?" I ask the ships AI.  
"Yes, however she has notified me that she is not to be disturbed," her smooth voice replies.

I thank her and stand, leaving my room and exiting the Normandy quickly; thanking the Gods that we are still docked at the Citadel.

**.::. .::. .::.**

For once I am well and truly out of my depth.  
As I ascend to your room in the elevator I realize just how much out of my depth I am and it makes me uncharacteristically nervous.

I pause outside your door and then hesitantly palm the button to open it.  
EDI informs me, in no uncertain terms, that you are not in the mood for company.  
After a few moments of what feels like senseless arguing with the AI, she finally opened the door and I stepped through; completely unprepared for the sight that greeted me.

You are dressed in black yoga pants and a deep red tank top and are currently slowly moving from one yoga position to another with a fluid grace that, although I know you posses it, still surprises me when I see it away from battle.

I am content to watch for a moment as you move; your muscles shifting and a faint sheen of sweat glistening on your porcelain skin.

"What do you want, Thane?"

Your voice jolts me out of my reverie and I blink a few times before smiling weakly.

"I need to talk to you; I need to say something about my behavior."  
You nod once, brusquely and sit on the floor to stretch out your legs, "go on."  
"Before I do, I bought you this," I present you with a small bouquet of the tiny fragrant flowers that I know you love, which you ignore; fixing me with cool emerald eyes. I swallow, feeling a cold knot form in my stomach.

"Ah… I do not know where to start," I clear my throat, shifting uncomfortably; "I am usually a calm, rational man that does not give in to feelings that could be destructive or cause complications.  
"However as you and I have grown closer I have found myself at the whim of such emotions. I let them get the better of me and I apologize deeply for that."

You watch me impassively for a long moment before shaking your head and returning to your stretching. I sigh softly, not knowing what to do with myself now that I have finished my explanation.

"So you're trying to tell me that you were jealous of Garrus?"  
"Well, I would not say jealous exactly but…" I trail off, watching your eyebrow arching at my floundering, "yes, I was jealous."  
You chuckle then, which surprises me and you stand, moving towards me slowly, "you are an ass, Thane Krios, an absolute ass."

I nod, happily agreeing with you, taking your hands in mine and gently stroking my fingers over your knuckles.  
"Will you let me apologize, properly, Siha?"

You smile when I call you that, a slight curve to your full lips that never fails to still my heart for a moment.  
I take the smile as an assent and curl a finger under your chin, tilting your face up to mine.  
My eyes gaze into yours and I watch them change color from a light peridot green to deep and mossy; a sign that (as I have come to learn) signals that you are relaxing.

I stroke your cheek softly with my fingertips and relish in the quiet breath that sighs past your lips as your eyes flutter closed.  
My thumb ghosts over your lower lip and the tip of your tongue darts out, tasting the pad of my thumb.

I withdraw with a chuckle, "patience, Shepard, have patience."  
You grumble under your breath and I lean closer, one arm snaking around your waist pulling you towards me until your body is pressed against mine and I can almost feel the thrum of your heart beating steadily in your chest.

I feel as though I am a man starved of water, thirsty for your lips on mine, for your love and yet I have no desire to rush this; my heartfelt apology to you.

My fingers brush lazily against your cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear and continuing into your hair; tangling my hand in the luxurious silken strands as I bend my head and smudge my lips over your forehead and then your cheek.

A noise, like a soft whimper and a sigh, escapes your lips as mine trace a path from your earlobe across your jaw.

"Just…kiss me…damn you…" you murmur and I know you were meant to sound more authoritative but have failed utterly helplessly.  
"All in time, Siha," I smile against the side of her neck where my lips have found themselves and your hands roam over my back and down my arms.

I trail my lips across the porcelain skin of your throat and feel your pulse flutter wildly. My hand tightens in your hair and my lips nibble their way up to yours.

When I finally capture your mouth with mine time just stops and we're suspended in a timeless dance where the only sounds are our hearts beating in unison, the only scent is yours – fresh and clean, green tea mixed with something sweetly spicy and undeniably **you** and the only thing I feel is the lush softness of your full lips moving exquisitely against my own.

I deepen the kiss, my arm pressing you even closer to me and stars dance against my closed eyelids as I lower you to your bed and cover your body with mine.

As we part for breath and for me to tug off your clothes you smile up at me, eyes shining and a bright brilliant green; your fingers stroking the back of my neck.

"Thane…?" you whisper against my lips, sending electric shivers across my skin.  
"Yes, my Siha?"  
"You're forgiven," and you pull me down to you and we start our dance again.

**.::. .::. .::.**  
_Chapter title is taken from "Carnival of Rust" by Poets of the Fall._


	6. Chapter 6

**DISCLAIMER**  
I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does.  
Damn them.  
I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me.  
~~~~

**CHAPTER SIX :: INTERLUDE**

The smell of something woody and earthy lingering in the air, intoxicating and enticing; tiny flares of fire from short, fat candles sparking and flickering in a slow dance.  
The clink of glass, a hushed toast; a smile shared like a great secret and a sip of deep, fruity wine; warmed and spiced that tastes so much like Christina Rossetti's forbidden fruits.  
The silence that follows, rich with meaning and words unsaid; eyes meeting and unspoken promises made.  
The shy smile, a gift given; pretty paper, ribbons and bows all rustling and crinkling like whispers in the dark.

The soft exclamation of excitement, murmured thanks and appreciation; candlelight reflecting in the faceted cut of the rare crystal nestled safely inside silk and wood, refracting and casting light like a kaleidoscope rainbow against the walls.

The touch of a hand, the glance upwards towards the small bough of green and white; the question and the answer readily given.  
The brush of lips, soft and slow; then deeper and passion takes over, an overload to the senses.  
The feel of skin, the movements surging like the sea; breaths that become one; desire and love inhaled and exhaled in unison.  
The sigh, the tightening of the embrace and the slow descent down from a high only obtained from this most sybaritic of meetings.  
The dwindling candlelight, the winking and shimmering of the stars and nebulas above and the smell of something woody and earthy lulling us to sleep.

.::. .::. .::.

Sorry it's so short but I really struggled with this chapter.

**HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!**


	7. Chapter 7

****DISCLAIMER****  
_I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does._  
_Damn them._  
_I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me._  
~~~~

**EVERYTHING FADES**  
_"Everything fades away come turning of the tide…for your love I'm sorry, for your pain – don't worry…"_

Life, when I stop to think on it, is such a fragile thing.

I cannot count the number of lives I have taken, then amount of breaths stopped short or how many hearts have ceased beating by my hands; but now it seems that all I do is count.  
My life has been reduced to a simple game of numbers:  
- The number of breaths I have left in my damaged lungs  
- The number of steps I can take before my body cries for respite  
- The number of times I have looked out of this window and wished for freedom  
- The number of times I wished I had created more memories  
- The number of hours, minutes and seconds that tick by as I wait…and count

Hmm…I suppose when faced with one's own mortality on a daily basis you become somewhat used to seeing it dangling on a fine thread.

Saying that, my own death does not faze me – I have had time to grow accustomed to the idea of it and this is strangely comforting.  
I have devoted my endlessly counted time to trying to leave the world a little brighter than I found it – I have atoned, I have made amends and I have loved.

Ah, I have loved.  
_... Siha ..._

As much as my death does not fill me with the dread it perhaps should; hers fills me with a fear that is far greater than any fear a Reaper could give me.  
The thought of losing her, my Siha, when I have only just found her is simply abhorrent to me.

As trite or cliché as it sounds, she has very quickly become everything to me and when I think that the next time I see her may be the last time I watch her easy smile blossoming slowly over her lips, or feel the touch of her hand….

_-skin warm against mine, flushed with exertion and glistening with a faint sheen of sweat; eyes heavy and darkened with lust, a slow wicked smile spreading across sensual kiss-red lips as our mouths meet and move together in an achingly sweet promise-_

Ah, memories. I am grateful for those, even more so these days.  
I cling to them tightly, these memories I slip into so easily now as I feel so often as though the time I'm counting is running out like grains of sand falling through an hourglass.

I am afraid of her death.  
I am afraid for her, for her pain and for her love for me.  
I am afraid she will fight to save me when there is no hope of that; of a futile endeavor that will cause her needless suffering.  
I am afraid, most of all; that the memories will not sustain me and I will forget.

Here, in the dim daylight that filters in through the large windows; the cooling shafts of sunlight that slant across this hospital bed, with the slow mechanical drone of the machines that help me breathe and the hushed tones of the medical staff; I have realized this:

I am afraid and it shames me.

.::. .::. .::.

_Chapter title is taken from "Everything Fades", by Poets of the Fall._


	8. Chapter 8

****DISCLAIMER****  
I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does.  
Damn them.  
I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me.

**WITHOUT YOU**  
_"Sing something new, I have nothing left…I can't face the dark without you…"_

In between the interminable ticking of the clock on the wall, the steady beep-beep-beep of the machinery around me and the slow passage of the sun past my window I think and I slip into memories.

It does not comfort me as much as it once did.  
I have grown restless, impatient and my legs ache and cry out to be used. I need to move, to walk – to exercise my body as well as my mind before the two split apart completely.

I press the bell to call a nurse to my room and after what feels like a lifetime spent convincing her that I can take a little exercise and get out into the sun for a while; I pick up my omni-tool and send a message to Shepard:

_"Siha, _  
_I have been given something of a reprieve. Join me outside in the hospital courtyard. I think we both need some time to relax, some calm before the storm._  
_Thane."_

Not even a minute later, her reply comes back:

_"Thane,_  
_I'll be there in 5, can't wait."_

I smile and slowly make my way outside.

.::. .::. .::.

I stand with my back to the hospital, my face tilted up to the strong rays of the sun.  
It warms me, I feel it sinking into my skin and coursing through my veins.

As I stand with my eyes closed, face tilted upwards in a silent worship of the sun, I hear her approaching on cat-quiet feet behind me.  
A smile tugs my lips and I remain still as I sense her footsteps stilling, her hand alights on my shoulder with a touch so delicate it's as though it's not there.  
I turn and embrace the woman that has captured my heart, arms wrapped tightly around her lithe body; her head nestled in the crook of my neck as though she were made to fit just there.

"I have missed you, Siha," I rumble, knowing she can feel my voice vibrate through her body with how close I'm holding her.  
"Thane," she murmurs into my neck; breath tickling deliciously over my skin, "I missed you, too."

I pull away slightly, just enough to let a whisper of air between us; curl a finger under her chin and tilt her face up to mine.  
Her lips curve into the wicked little smile that makes me weak with love and desire simultaneously and then there is nothing but the feel of her lips on mine and for a moment it's just us in that sunlit hospital courtyard.

We part, her face flushed and my breathing mildly labored. She looks at me, concerned until I smile at her and the worry lines between her eyebrows smooth out.

I am the first to break the embrace and I take her hand, leading her through the courtyard to a small grassy area that is partially obscured by a crumbling wall and sturdy trees with thick gnarled trunks. There is a bench tucked away under a weeping willow tree, an old fountain trickling musically next to it and a picnic basket and blanket spread out nearby.

Shepard smiles at me – a full, proper, bright smile that takes my breath away and tugs me towards the blanket. I chuckle at her impatience and shake my head, pulling her back to me.

"Not yet, Siha, I have a something else in mind first."  
"Uh…huh…" she arches an eyebrow, emerald eyes narrowing in mock suspicion.  
"I thought that you might like to join me while I go through my Tai Chi routine."  
"I didn't know you practiced, Thane," she quirks her lips, "but that sounds wonderful. What do I need to do?"

I stand behind her and make sure she is in the correct starting stance, my fingers lingering on her shoulders for a moment as I take in her unmistakable scent.  
Moving so I am slightly in front of her, I slowly begin my routine; closing my eyes as I flow from one position to the other, knowing she would pick it up easily.

I angle my head to see her in my peripheral vision, moving in perfect synchronicity with me; her eyes closed and her face as peaceful as I've ever seen it.  
She is framed by the sunlight slanting through the trees and it creates something of a halo around her hair; her skin looks like porcelain and as I watch her she looks like something fragile and I am overcome with the desire to protect her.

Her chest rises and falls with steady breaths, her lips parted just slightly and I am filled with the memories of us together; tangled in sheets and each other, skin flushed and eyes dazed; the scent of us a heady perfume.

Desire and lust slams into me, forcing my heart to start a staccato beat in my chest and I know that I have to be careful or privacy be damned I will bring her trembling and shaking in a matter of moments.

She shifts, opens one eye and a wry grin flits across her face, "I don't think that's part of the routine, Krios."

Her light, teasing tone is the end of my resolve.

.::. .::. .::.

After, we lay on the picnic blanket; thoroughly exhausted and sated, glad of the crumbling wall and overly large trees that obscured us from view.

I hear a soft laugh and slant my eyes in its direction; head tilting in a universal gesture meaning _"what's so funny?"_

"I can't believe we just…hmm…" she trails off and raises bright eyes to meet mine before she chuckles again.  
"Perhaps not the best of locations, but…" I smile and she moves to rest her head on my chest.  
"Thank you," she says quietly, "for today. I needed this. A moment of light in the dark."  
"As did I, Siha, as did I," I take a slow breath, my hand stroking through her hair; "I have something to tell you."  
She sits up, cross-legged and purses her lips, "sounds serious, Thane. What's wrong?"  
"You recall I mentioned that the Hanar were working on something of a cure for Keprals? Talk of lung transplants and blood transfusions?"  
"Yes. Doctor Chakwas mentioned that you'd spoken to her about it but had declined to put your name on the list for it."  
"Mhm," I sit, facing her and take her hands in mine; "I have asked to be considered for the treatment."

The shock and surprise on her face is wonderful.  
Her eyes widen as her lips curve into that beautiful heart-stopping smile and her fingers tighten around mine as she leans forward and brushes an achingly sweet kiss over my lips

"Are you sure? What changed your mind?"  
"I have found more than one reason to wish to extend my time here. Spending time with my son has been a big influence on my decision. But there was something else that was the main focus of my choice."  
"What?" She asks the question so softly I don't think I would have heard had she not been so close.

I reach a hand up and trace gentle patterns over her cheek, cupping her face tenderly before kissing her with as much meaning and promise as I can.

"Now I have found you, I am not ready to let you go just yet."  
"Thane," she whispers against my lips, "I don't think I could do this; face this darkness without you."

I embrace her then, no more words needed as the weight of my choice settles around us and gives us comfort and hope in an otherwise bleak feeling world.

.::. .::. .::.  
_Chapter title is taken from "Without You", by Breaking Benjamin._


	9. Chapter 9

****DISCLAIMER****  
I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does.  
Damn them.  
I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me.

-sorry for taking so long with this update, it was a really difficult one to write and I had my wrist in a splint for 10 days!-

**KETTERING**  
_"Walking in that room when you had tubes in your arms; those singing morphine alarms out of tune."_  
**.I.**  
White room, bright lights that flicker overhead like miniature bolts of lightning; the soft and steady beeping of a machine nearby that counts both breath and heartbeat.  
Muted alarms from elsewhere, a muffled droning that is there and not there at the back of the mind; the scent of something sterile and too clean that stings the throat and the nose and sticks on the tongue.  
Blurry-edged scenery seen through eyes that won't fully open, smudged images that move like ghosts at the peripheral.  
A button press at the fingertip and blissful sweetly cold numbness rushing into needle-stuck skin; parched lips starved of water parting in a brief smile.  
Heavy eyelids drifting closed, a sigh whispering into the empty room.  
Blackness, silence.

.::. .::. .::.

Gasping breath; a sharp intake of cool air into aching lungs that scream and rebel against the sudden use and a heartbeat that pounds wildly against brittle ribs like a war-drum.  
Calm, impassive faces loom into sleep-blurred vision and hushed voices carry unintelligible words and then more silence broken only by the continuous beep-beep-beep of monitors and machines.  
Limbs moving slowly, weakened and near useless; drifting over crisp white sheets as eyes blink-blink away the fuzzy edges of vision and images form as though tuning in an ancient television set.  
The whoosh-click of the door, another calm face and more long-winded words; only five of which stand out and settle into the still foggy mind:  
_"The operation was a success"._  
Instructions to rest, recuperate and take things slowly, then silence.

.::. .::. .::.

**.II.**  
_To: Commander Shepard_  
_From: Thane Krios_  
Siha,  
I have been following the news reports as much as the doctors will allow me to.  
Things look desperate, bleak and I feel your pain and frustration despite you being so far away.  
I wish...I wish I could be there with you...  
I know that you may not be able to respond but I wanted to let you know that the operation was a complete success – my body has taken the new lungs as though they were my own. I am currently being kept at Huerta Memorials high dependency unit although I will be moved to a regular room in a week.  
Kolyat has visited regularly. He is yet to find a significant other, however he has made mention of your human custom of "dating" and has met several young women; although he has no interest in pursuing them at the moment. He says that he wishes to focus more on his work and caring for me. I feel such pride for him, Siha – he is becoming a good man and I am ever grateful that we have reconnected.  
Once the reapers are dealt with and things are on an even keel I would like for us to spend some time together – you, me and Kolyat.  
We speak of you often, he shares some of my concern about your mission; especially now we know that you are heading to London for the final push and I tell him that I have not felt this depth of emotion for another since his mother. He understands better now, I think and harbours no resentment towards me for loving another.  
I am glad of that, although I know that even if he did that would not keep me from you.  
Ah, my doctor is here now, signalling that it is time for more tests and rest.  
_Seni in'ava_, Siha, I miss you. Come back to me.  
-Thane.

.::. .::. .::.

**.III.**  
He stands, back straight and hands clasped behind him watching the sky turn from inky blue-black to cerulean tinged with fiery orange as the sun makes its slow ascent.  
Everything seems too quiet and sleep has eluded him for hours so he stands, looking out over the grounds of the hospital and shaking his head at the needless destruction that is still evident.

He checks his omni-tool and sighs softly as he notices that his latest message has received no reply. He knows how bad the situation has become, he knows that the fate of the galaxy rests on his warrior-angels shoulders but it did not stop him worrying and it definitely did not stop his thoughts from straying to dark and negative places.

The galactic news is white noise in the background, static interspersed with random broken sentences detailing the assault on London and the devastation that the Reapers have left in their wake.  
The old human idiom "no news is good news" sits on repeat in his mind; a broken record that stutters and echoes and grates on his nerves.

His fists clench, his mouth tightens and his shoulders tense as he hears her name in the static followed by a sudden silence and then more static.  
His forehead presses against the cool glass and his eyes drift closed – an action designed to stave off the dull pounding in his head which ultimately fails.

The door behind him opens with a soft whoosh and he moves his head slowly to look over his shoulder at his guest.  
His son stands before him, eyes downcast and voice quiet; every inch the reluctant messenger, the bearer of bad news that he suddenly doesn't want to hear.

He slumps against the window, finds his knees crumbling underneath his weight as he slides to the floor; hands pressed to his head in a futile attempt to block out his sons words.  
His breathing is shallow and swallowing leaves a lump in his throat that makes him choke and gag. He looks up, obsidian eyes pleading with his son – surely he's wrong?

He feels many things now – rage, hatred and a deep cold numbness that wraps around him and cuts everything else out except the overwhelming sadness that leaves him empty; staring down blindly into nothing.  
His heart is a sluggish drumbeat, his eyes burn and his throat tightens.

His lips move in prayer to Kalahira and his son kneels next him, youthful strong voice taking over when the words stick on his tongue; his arm around his shoulder as he openly weeps for his lost goddess, his fallen warrior-angel.

_"Kalahira, mistress of inscrutable depths, guide this one across the sea and keep her safe at your side until the water carries me home to her side."_

.::. .::. .::.  
Chapter title is taken from "Kettering", by The Antlers.


	10. Chapter 10

****DISCLAIMER****  
I do not own anything from the Mass Effect game series (unfortunately) but BioWare does.  
Damn them.  
I'm just borrowing their characters for fun when my muse grabs me.

-this is the final chapter in this series and I just wanted to say thank you to everyone that has read Solipsism, reviewed it and added it (and me) to their favourite lists-  
**.::. .::. .::.**

**GIVEN & DENIED**  
_"Fall like a leaf in the wind on the ocean of blue like your eyes in the twilight theatre...With symphonies playing in the world without a sound...We're given and denied..."_

"Siha..."

A voice like silk flowing over my skin stirs me from my drowsy contemplation. I open my eyes a crack, shielding them from the beautiful blazing sun above me and scan the horizon. There is nobody is sight, just as it's always been since I arrived here.

I wriggle my bare toes in the sand and smile as I'm transported immediately to a memory from my childhood – a rare vacation with my family to the sea, running over the sand to the shoreline and shrieking gleefully as the freezing water touched my feet; the smell of the salty ocean mixed with the sweet scent of coconut sunscreen, the taste of vanilla ice cream and the gritty feel of sand in my mouth, building sandcastles and giggling maniacally as they're flattened underfoot; collecting seashells (oh...Mordin...) and looking for tiny crabs in the rock pools and being swung around in strong arms with the sun blurring overhead until I'm dizzy and breathless.

"Siha..."

A whisper, soft as a feather carries across the sea on a warm breeze.  
I prop myself up on my elbows and look around; squinting against the suns reflection on the water.

There – walking towards me along the shoreline is a figure so familiar to me but so strange to see here where I've been alone for so long.

A mirage, it must be.  
When a person is starved of water in the desert they imagine a beautiful oasis with lakes and waterfalls, palm trees for shade; heavy with fruits and nuts to keep them sustained.  
It makes sense then, that I would see him here now when I'm starved of his company and his touch.

My eyes close and I smile at the memories of long nights, tangled limbs; warm skin and soft, drugging kisses.  
I've been doing that a lot lately – losing myself in memories, although I admit to wishing for the near=perfect clarity and recall that he possessed.

I stand, brushing sun bleached sand from the backs of my legs and walk towards my beautiful mirage, watching the sunlight catch on his skin; his obsidian eyes regarding my every step and a smile playing at the corners of his lips.

His hand reaches out and our fingers twine together, his cool skin feels silken against mine and our eyes meet – inky black to bright green – before he tugs me close to him and embraces me.  
My head tilts up and I brush my lips over his, relishing in the feeling and his taste and the hushed groan that escapes his mouth sends a shiver through me.

We pull apart, skin flushed, eyes heavy-lidded and lips parted.  
He smiles, a full smile that makes him seem aeons younger and grabs me round the waist; fingers resting on the curve of my hip.

Arms around each other we walk together at the edge of the ocean with warm, crystal-clear water lapping at our feet; stopping at a large flat-topped rock that we scramble onto.

We sit in comfortable silence, listening to the gentle hushing of the waves.  
The sun makes its lazy descent, painting the cornflower blue sky with hues of burnt orange and deep pink; turning the sea at the horizon a dark midnight blue.

An arm slips around me and I smile as I lean my head against his shoulder, breathing in his scent; that earthy, spicy scent that is just so uniquely **him** and my eyes drift closed as the sky darkens at the edges and stars begin to pinprick through the twilight theater of evening.

After years of fighting, of friendships lost and found; of family, love and loss; battles won and lost, death and beginnings and the end of the Reaper threat; of things given and denied – I can breathe again.

I am finally home.

**.::. .::. .::.**  
Chapter title is taken from "Given and Denied", by Poets of the Fall.


End file.
